The other day I mentioned a phone hearing I’d had regarding a child support modification. I called today to see if a decision had been made, and apparently this question was a cause for humor.

It seems as though it takes, I kid you not, 8-12 WEEKS for a hearing officer to make a decision. Let’s hope these guys are never appointed as actual courtroom judges, because surely the courts would be even more backlogged than they are now.

In the state of Missouri, it takes at least one full year to get a child support modification. A year. Twelve months. I applied last June. In October, I received a notice for the hearing, set for February.

So when the girl who answered the phone told me not to expect to hear anything for 2-3 months, I simply asked, “Why?”

She seemed rather flustered. Apparently, no one ever asks this question; I thought for a moment that she was going to put me on hold to find someone who had more experience with this tricky query.

Then she remembered! Every officer has four or five phone hearings daily, which can each take up to an hour. Of course, I was wondering what they do the other three hours of the workday, but I didn’t bring that up because the poor girl sounded as though she was all tapped out.

This could also explain why, when I called last July, they told me they had indeed received my paperwork, and it was on the table. This was not a metaphor, but they assured me that the paperwork was actually SITTING ON A TABLE, and this was the first step. Gosh, I have a table, several actually; I could have left it sit there for awhile if I’d known that was an important part of the process.

I called in August to see where my paperwork was being held, and this time – wait for it – it was ON THE SHELF. Again, no metaphor; you see, papers must be allowed to season properly, and the shelf is the best location for that to occur.

In September, the papers were actually residing with a caseworker, and by October they’d moved to the hearing division. It took three tries for someone (the phone girl?) to actually mail the notice to me, which I received in December.

Dare we presume that the cause of all this delay is related to those missing hours? Take a look, for a moment, at a typical divorce court:

Two people, with their attorneys, enter a courtroom; the group is called to order, each side presents his or her case, and the judge issues a ruling. If not that day, within the week. People’s lives, or lifestyles, are at stake, and decisions must be made. What would happen if the judge said: sorry, folks, I’ve worked my allotted five hours today, so I’ll get back to you on whether or not you’re still married, where the kids are going to live, and who gets the family silver; expect to hear from me no later than, oh, six months.

With a modification, true, things are a bit different. But typically a hearing officer orders support to be retroactive – which, in this case, would be last June. So, if he rules in my favor, the other party must make up the difference for the past year, plus pay the new amount. If he rules against me, I must make do with much less, until the difference is “repaid”.

Back to those missing three hours a day: the phone girl told me that the hearing officers also spend time making decisions and finalizing paperwork (I wonder if they keep it on a shelf or a table? Perhaps a bookcase?). Is there a problem with doing this right after a hearing? You know, when it’s all fresh in their minds?

But seriously – has there ever been a government agency, anywhere, at any time in history, which agreed that they did indeed have enough staff and resources? Nope.

DFS, the Highway Patrol, police departments, fire departments, city and county councils, state legislatures, US and Federal entities, and so forth – to hear them tell the story, they are all grossly overworked and underpaid. Right.

If any of these employees took umpteen breaks, stood around and shot the bull, brought in birthday cakes three times a month, came in late and left early or, my favorite, worked a mere six months out of the year, they be fired from every position – except a government job.

Do you realize how much could actually be accomplished if every government employee clocked in at 8:00 and out at 5:00? If they worked five days a week, fifty weeks of the year? If they actually sat down at their desks and did something besides play solitaire on the computer?

Amazing. But I’m afraid the world as we know it would come to a screeching halt. Nothing kills bureaucracy faster than efficiency.

Do you ever feel like the more things you check off on your “to do” list, the more you seem to be adding? Do you ever get sidetracked by something unexpected and have to really focus to regain your momentum? Do you ever think that if, just once, someone would actually answer a phone call or email – you could quite possibly wrap up a number of things?

If so, this blog’s for you!

Yesterday, I was on a roll – I cooked, I cleaned, I did laundry; I wrote, I edited, I rated, and I blogged (twice). Today, hmm, not so much!

I started with the usual, coffee, email check, newspaper reading. I moved on to board posts, reading and responding, showered, got the big one up and took the little one to school.

I moved on to checking a couple websites, leaving messages/sending emails, updating, and editing. I sent the big one off to a job interview and his first day of work, and called my husband to make sure he ate breakfast. He had not, of course, and couldn’t find the package; it was in his coat pocket.

At any rate, about that time the dogs wanted out, then in, then out; they also needed water. The cats were meowing for dinner, and it was only 10:00 a.m. I held firm for about half an hour. The Schwans guy came, and then it started raining. I realized I was late for an online Helium chat, but had to throw the little one’s basketball uniform into the washer.

My biggest mistake, apparently, was bypassing another cup of coffee for some actual food – now I’m sleepy and the rain and cold isn’t helping a bit.

I still have half my list to finish, and the big one is due back from work in an hour or so. I guess he made it there, he forgot to call.

You know, though – what would really get me motivated again is having all those loose ends tied up. Like if, for example, my lawyer actually called me and gave me some good news – after almost four years, the only truly good news he could have would be to say the settlement agreement is signed. Ha. Fat chance. Or, the mail could come and I could A) receive a nice big check; B) pick up a letter from the state regarding the big one’s GED application; or C) anything but a bill.

I know, wishful thinking. Almost as fantastical as thinking that, when I call someone for information, a real, live person will answer the phone prior to my having to push eight different buttons for menu options that don’t even come close to addressing the issue.

I especially like the ones where you get an “I’m away from my desk” message; you know, deep down, that the person is NOT away from his desk, he just doesn’t want to answer the phone. I think there are a lot of people who must be unable to answer a phone – do they not know how to pick up a receiver? Or do they not know to say “hello”? What’s the deal here anyway?

So, my message to those of you who have a telephone and are supposed to be answering both it and questions directed towards you upon answering:

Pick up the flippin’ phone.
Process my question and give me an answer; really, it just takes one minute. If you can’t answer, direct me to someone who can – NOT to their voicemail.
Look – your job, for the moment is finished! You have accomplished something.

For emailers:
Read the email.
Answer the email. Or forward to someone who can, along with these instructions.
Delete or file the email.
You, too, have actually accomplished something today!

C’mon, people – it’s not rocket science, it’s called “doing your job”.

Now, where did I put that file marked “motivation”?