I was so tired today, I conked out on the couch for a couple hours while reading and almost decided just to stay there til morning….

That happens, though, especially when you can’t sleep at night for whatever reason, or because you’re lying awake thinking, or have horrible nightmares that make you wish you still slept with a nightlight.

It’s not so much that I’m doing more, although I guess that’s true. I’m certainly worrying more, and sometimes that is as strenuous as physical labor. Not discounting the fallen trees I had to saw apart, and mosquito banquet that I became in the midst of that adventure…. Or the lawn-mowing and shrub-trimming. Not to mention spending the first week or so taking care of my husband’s daily needs, and making sure he took his meds and ate healthy stuff – no small feat, this last!

But he’s on the mend now, using handweights, started to walk farther than chair to bed to couch to table, helping out a bit here and there; yesterday we did a little grocery shopping, today we walked around the mall for an hour or so. Every day gets better, and his body is healing very well.

He has, however, “forgotten” to talk make the appointment for his first scans. And he’s fallen off the healthy eating wagon, just a bit. But I still have another week to get him in shape for his return to work. Unfortunately, I think he believes he’ll be able to start off with a bang, go in at 6:00 a.m., unload a truck, and work 10-hour days. Right.

I feel more like I’m carrying the whole load – and I try to avoid making him worry, like I did before too, a little. Sometimes, before, I felt like this as well, but I could always talk to him about it and ask for help. Now, not so much. I’m thinking there could be a lot of this “before” and “now” stuff too.

This, like everything else we’ve dealt with over the years, will some day go away; in the meantime, we just keep muddling along. Things seem to improve daily, and that’s a blessing in itself.

I realize I’ve been away for awhile, but things here at home have been crazy.

My son is still in foster care; still pretty much ignoring us and doing whatever he wants, totally focused on his own wants, i.e., his driver’s license. His last visit was almost two weeks ago, and I suppose it went as well as could be expected, considering we are supposedly so dangerous we still need supervised visitation.

You know, where the caseworker sits there reading a book the entire time? And we’re supposed to interact like an intact family? And make progress toward that elusive, subjective “family reunification”?

Yep, that’s it. Fun, huh?

In the meantime, after a day in the ER and several days in the hospital, my husband was diagnosed with kidney cancer. He had a nephrectomy on June 1, hence the visit a few days prior. Which our son did not care about in the least.

Let’s take a moment to compare, if you will: my stepmother drove across the state to spend several days with us, helping out with our youngest child and keeping the home fires burning; our older daughter sat with us in pre-op and, of course, visited her dad in the hospital. Our other daughter flew in from another state to stay for a week to help us.

And what did our drama-loving son do? Nothing. Oh, he listened to my updates on the surgery and so forth; he responded, briefly, if I texted him or messaged him. But it always came back to him: his situation, his license, his life.

Then again, I was raised to be available for one’s family – we have other members who don’t seem to care about our recent troubles either. But I wasn’t involved in raising them, so I will take no responsibility for their actions. Really, though, you’d think an occasional phone call or visit or even, heaven forbid, responding positively to an outright request for assistance would not be out of the realm of possibility. I’m just sayin’….

So, we may or may not have court in two days, a trial to determine…. Wait a minute – what exactly IS going to be determined? The state has made allegations, but no one is really clear on who is being accused. The judge appears to want more information on why my husband cannot attend court – apparently having a kidney removed, a recent cancer diagnosis, and using Vicodin for pain control are not valid reasons for postponing a court date.

We wait, and wonder….