Dear Collection Agency:

Could I please speak with someone who does NOT have his head up his butt??

Yesterday I called NCO, one of the largest US collection agencies. I listened to the entire menu – because it had changed, even though I’ve never called them before – and punched the correct button. After about two minutes of god-awful elevator music, interrupted seventeen times by the standard “please hold, your call is very important to us”, a real, live person answered. I think.

The first thing she said was, “ThankyouforcallingNCOyourcallmayberecordedforqualitycontrolpurposeshowcanIhelpyou?”

My response: huh?

Rinse, and repeat.

So I tell her I’m calling about an account which was paid around the first of June, but the check I wrote hasn’t cleared yet. She wants the account number, and I’m clueless, so she asks for the social security number. I gave it to her, and I’m back on hold.

More elevator music, seventeen interruptions. Of course this time, all that is accompanied by clicks, pick-ups, and hang-ups. Finally, I get another person.

“ThankyouforcallingNCOyourcallmayberecordedforqualitycontrolpurposeshowcanIhelpyou?”

Only she substituted “AT&T” for the “NCO”. Huh? Turns out that NCO has different divisions for different debts; I had already told the first person that it was a medical debt, but apparently that didn’t translate correctly.

More music, more interruptions, more clicks; another person finally came on and said, “AT&T”. Sigh.

Fifteen minutes of this, and I hung up. Called back. This time I actually got a person pretty quickly, and one whom I was actually able to understand.

I said: “Hi. Are you someone who does not have his head up his ass, or do I need to ask for a supervisor?”

He said: “Well, ma’am, I’m pretty tall, so if I tried to perform that activity, I’m afraid it would look pretty silly.”

Holy cow! A collector with a sense of humor! Folks, I’m telling you, if you get any of those, hang on to them – get their direct line, if possible. For the record, they are few and far between.

At any rate, and I did get his private number, he was very helpful and explained that my being sent to the AT&T division was pretty much a default – and that there were no medical bills in collection. Probably because I paid it, but whatever. He said I’d likely be getting the check back – hey, it’s only been two months or so, guess they want their money NOW but take their sweet time sending it back….

Ah, the joys of dealing with so many incompetents, in spite of finding one with some intelligence. I had to start happy hour a bit early, after all that!

So I had a houseful this weekend; my daughter for three days or so, my older son periodically throughout the weekend, and my mother for about three hours. Okay, if you count the times she was dropping off/picking up my daughter for airport trips and a ballgame, then she was actually here about five hours. Total. Over the whole three-and-a-half days she was in town.

She visits once a year and no, in case you’re wondering, we don’t go see her. Mostly because we can’t take that much time off work and, even when she was working, she could; but also because of the expense and, I might add, the altitude plays havoc with my entire body.

Good news is that she wasn’t really critical or obnoxious. Oh, even though the entire house was clean and the yard looked decent she still managed to comment on the patio, which really did need cleaning but it’s not like she was even out there at that point.

And she asked if I was going to turn the steaks on the grill, and wondered how long I was going to cook the corn…. She spent a good deal of time talking with my older son during the barbeque on Sunday, and we all know how well that’s turned out in the past…. She basically ignored my younger son, asked him a few questions, that was about it.

Oh, and she thought my sister’s middle name was mine. True, they do start with the same letter, but she’s the one who named me – 45 years ago, in fact. It hasn’t changed.

She didn’t bring up the farm sale, and neither did I (yes, thank you, I will accept your applause!). Not much at all, in fact, and I did get compliments for the dinner and for a suggestion I made to her the day before about her friend.

So I guess it went well. The best thing, I suppose, is that it really doesn’t bother me much, all the part that were missing – or even some of her comments. And that’s a very good thing. In a nutshell, she’s just someone who came to visit, briefly. And that’s even better.