We’ve been told, since taking drivers’ education classes, that the horn on the vehicle is a “warning device”. What exactly does this mean? Obviously its use is to “warn” others, either pedestrians or drivers, but the question is: warn them of what?

I grew up and learned to drive in St. Louis, consequently I use my horn frequently and sometimes vociferously. Drives my husband nuts, he seems to think that every time I honk at someone they’ll whip out a gun and blow me away. I’ve tried to tell him that, at least here in St. Louis, that is not going to happen; when we lived in Texas, well, it may have been a possibility.

There are many ways to use your horn, and almost all of them involve a “warning”:

A short “toot” can either mean “hey, wake up!” or simply be an acknowledgement of a considerate road gesture, such as letting you into a long line of barely moving traffic.

A longer blast can indicate a cause for celebration, or can mean “hey, you! Yeah, you! The light turned green five minutes ago!”

A moderately-long honk can mean “get outta my way, loser”, or “hey, no one said you had to keep FIVE car lengths between you and another vehicle”.

Of course, any of these types of honks can be accompanied by mouthing other words, or even a simple hand gesture (rude or otherwise).

See, the thing about driving is that most people are completely clueless. It’s not so much that they think they are great drivers (although some of us certainly are!), but that they think driving is a no-brainer activity. And many appear to have no brains, period.

For example, a driver who comes to a screeching halt to allow someone to pull out of a parking lot. That driver believes he is being nice and considerate. What he fails to notice are the thirty-five cars piled up behind him, who all had to slam on their brakes unexpectedly.

These same drivers are often the ones who wander from lane to lane, change lanes in the midst of an intersection, or try to turn right from the left-hand lane.

We’re all taught to drive defensively. “Defensively” does not mean crawl along at a snail’s pace, hitting the brakes anytime you see another car moving. This is the ROAD, cars will move! Just because the traffic light three blocks up turns yellow, doesn’t mean you have to stop right then and there and inch forward till you get there!

My mother has said, pridefully, that she’s never had an accident while driving. I wonder if she ever looked in her rear view mirror to see how many she CAUSED?

Ah, I thought this would get your attention! Ever wonder why court cases, especially civil ones, take so very long to wend their way through the legal system? Well, I’m going to tell you.

Telephone 101
This is a class, apparently required by all law schools, in which potential attorneys learn how to NOT return calls or give their clients updates, and how to train the receptionist to make excuses.

You know how when you call your lawyer and the receptionist says he’s in a meeting – but only AFTER she’s asked your name? Yep. Chances are your lawyer passed Telephone 101 with flying colors.

Or how about when you’ve heard absolutely nothing from the law office for two weeks, in spite of a vague promise to “keep you informed”, and you KNOW there was a conference call at the beginning of that period? Yep, again, your lawyer probably got an “A” in Telephone 101.

Pretending to be Tough 201
This is a slightly more advanced class for attorneys-to-be. This is where they learn how to bluff, such as when your lawyer tells you that he gave opposing counsel until “today” to respond. What it really means is that yes, he probably said “today” – but prefaced it with “we’d sure like to hear from you by” and certainly did NOT end it with “or else!”

Time Management 203
This is a very important class. This includes billable hours, of course, but also teaches law students how to really tell time. For instance, when you’re waiting for important papers to be signed, and your lawyer says he will have them to you within “twenty-four hours”, what he really means is that they MIGHT be on his secretary’s desk in twenty-four hours, but certainly will make it to your mailbox sometime in the next month.

Lying 305
This, naturally, is an elective class in law school and only opposing counsel has actually completed it. Repeat, YOUR attorney has high ethical standards and would never engage in speaking with a forked tongue. Unless, of course it will benefit you.

Strictly reserved for the “other guy”, this means, for example, that when an agreement has been reached it will still take six months to be drafted and signed. And that’s only if opposing counsel doesn’t change his mind and try to negotiate something else in the meantime.

So now you know how attorneys may operate. And perhaps this will help you adjust to your lawyer’s idiosyncrasies and apparent inability to close a case within, say, four years or so.