Missouri is often touted as having the best juvenile justice system; a program which is frequently uplifted and used as an example nationwide. It does, however, possess serious flaws.

Here are a few things that I’ve either learned the past few days, or that have just recently shown implications which can be vociferously questioned.

A parent must report a sixteen-year-old runaway. Fair enough; some sixteen-year-olds could survive on their own at least for a short time, but many could not and would be subjected to all manner of crime and criminals.

When the child turns seventeen, a parent is not mandated to report him as a runaway. Statistically speaking, many kids this age leave home, join the military, or even get married. In a lot of jurisdictions, kids this age can legally have sex too.

A child in Missouri is not legally an adult until age eighteen. This means that they cannot sign contracts or, practically speaking, sign a lease, buy a car, and so forth.

Before I continue, let’s take a closer look at these age qualifications. If my son left home at 17, the police will only bring him back if I report him as a runaway. However, I’m legally responsible for him until he turns 18. This is fact, and is referred to as the “17 Law” – it’s silly, as well as useless.

Let’s look at more silly and useless Missouri juvenile facts and issues.

Take, for example, a child who will not obey his parents, basically just refusing to do mundane things like daily chores, or asking permission to go out, or perhaps cursing and stealing others’ property. If he’s under 17, and gets mad and takes off running across town, a parent must report him to the police.

What will the police do? It greatly depends upon whichever officer answers the call.

Usually, an officer will come to take the report: name, age, description, what incited the teen to run; any officer may pick up the child. Regardless, the police bring the child home. Often they talk to the child as well – moral lessons about respecting one’s parents, obeying the rules, and so forth.

If the kid runs again? Parents must report the incident; the police must bring the kid back. Again. And again. No doubt most kids listen to the police and stop running. Some, of course, do not.

Can anyone explain the point? Family Court will not lock up a kid for status offenses; a status offense is one which would not be considered a crime if an adult committed the act, such as running away or truancy. So a status offense is unlawful, but not illegal.

An of course, police resources are being used, over and over, for this purpose – instead of law enforcement, police are being required to act as counselors, chauffeurs, and mere pencil-pushers. Instead of dealing with community safety, officers are required to pick up and return the same kids, over and over.

Unfortunately, some kids would probably benefit from being locked up in the slammer for a few hours or overnight; others should probably be there anyway, just to provide some relief for the officers.

Oh, sure, parents can file an affidavit of incorrigibility with the Family Court, and in a month or so they’ll call in you in to an assessment of services. Yes, three to five weeks is what we were told.

What else can parents do? Nothing. Yes, you can report your child; you must, after all, by law. You can insist upon respect and obedience, and your child will decide if he can live with that – or he’ll take off. You can let things go, but what will that accomplish? Your child will still run if he feels like it. You can ignore him, or conversely give in to his whims and demands and then what? Again, nothing. Your child gets to call the shots, and parents and officers must kowtow to his moods.

Bullshit.

You may have noticed that I alternate between “child” and “kid”. To me, a child is someone who has not yet reached the age of say, 14 or 15, depending on the individual; a child is not someone who has a job, or a drivers’ license, or a debit card. A kid or a teen is, of course, one who is a teenager but has not yet reached the age of majority.

Here’s the problem: the social services group attracts the bleeding-heart liberals to who wish to “fix” children; these people believe that “children” are those who are not yet legally adults, yes, but also often those who are under the age of 25. Yes, folks, it’s true – these social workers and counselor are consistently attempting to blame poor choices and antisocial behavior on parents, home life, law enforcement tactics, divorce, birth order, poverty level, ad nauseum – because a “child” should not be held responsible.

Bullshit.

The other day I mentioned a phone hearing I’d had regarding a child support modification. I called today to see if a decision had been made, and apparently this question was a cause for humor.

It seems as though it takes, I kid you not, 8-12 WEEKS for a hearing officer to make a decision. Let’s hope these guys are never appointed as actual courtroom judges, because surely the courts would be even more backlogged than they are now.

In the state of Missouri, it takes at least one full year to get a child support modification. A year. Twelve months. I applied last June. In October, I received a notice for the hearing, set for February.

So when the girl who answered the phone told me not to expect to hear anything for 2-3 months, I simply asked, “Why?”

She seemed rather flustered. Apparently, no one ever asks this question; I thought for a moment that she was going to put me on hold to find someone who had more experience with this tricky query.

Then she remembered! Every officer has four or five phone hearings daily, which can each take up to an hour. Of course, I was wondering what they do the other three hours of the workday, but I didn’t bring that up because the poor girl sounded as though she was all tapped out.

This could also explain why, when I called last July, they told me they had indeed received my paperwork, and it was on the table. This was not a metaphor, but they assured me that the paperwork was actually SITTING ON A TABLE, and this was the first step. Gosh, I have a table, several actually; I could have left it sit there for awhile if I’d known that was an important part of the process.

I called in August to see where my paperwork was being held, and this time – wait for it – it was ON THE SHELF. Again, no metaphor; you see, papers must be allowed to season properly, and the shelf is the best location for that to occur.

In September, the papers were actually residing with a caseworker, and by October they’d moved to the hearing division. It took three tries for someone (the phone girl?) to actually mail the notice to me, which I received in December.

Dare we presume that the cause of all this delay is related to those missing hours? Take a look, for a moment, at a typical divorce court:

Two people, with their attorneys, enter a courtroom; the group is called to order, each side presents his or her case, and the judge issues a ruling. If not that day, within the week. People’s lives, or lifestyles, are at stake, and decisions must be made. What would happen if the judge said: sorry, folks, I’ve worked my allotted five hours today, so I’ll get back to you on whether or not you’re still married, where the kids are going to live, and who gets the family silver; expect to hear from me no later than, oh, six months.

With a modification, true, things are a bit different. But typically a hearing officer orders support to be retroactive – which, in this case, would be last June. So, if he rules in my favor, the other party must make up the difference for the past year, plus pay the new amount. If he rules against me, I must make do with much less, until the difference is “repaid”.

Back to those missing three hours a day: the phone girl told me that the hearing officers also spend time making decisions and finalizing paperwork (I wonder if they keep it on a shelf or a table? Perhaps a bookcase?). Is there a problem with doing this right after a hearing? You know, when it’s all fresh in their minds?

But seriously – has there ever been a government agency, anywhere, at any time in history, which agreed that they did indeed have enough staff and resources? Nope.

DFS, the Highway Patrol, police departments, fire departments, city and county councils, state legislatures, US and Federal entities, and so forth – to hear them tell the story, they are all grossly overworked and underpaid. Right.

If any of these employees took umpteen breaks, stood around and shot the bull, brought in birthday cakes three times a month, came in late and left early or, my favorite, worked a mere six months out of the year, they be fired from every position – except a government job.

Do you realize how much could actually be accomplished if every government employee clocked in at 8:00 and out at 5:00? If they worked five days a week, fifty weeks of the year? If they actually sat down at their desks and did something besides play solitaire on the computer?

Amazing. But I’m afraid the world as we know it would come to a screeching halt. Nothing kills bureaucracy faster than efficiency.