This, I’m told, is the goal of Family Services; this is also the stated mission of the contracted agency to which my family is now subject.

My son left home on April 2. I was told on April 3 that he was placed in temporary state custody and I was given a contact name and number. I waited several hours, then called the individual; I got voicemail, and left a message. That was a Friday, around 4:00 p.m.

I heard nothing from anyone until nearly noon on Monday. I had no idea where he was staying, how he was, nothing. His caseworker finally called me, and a meeting downtown was arranged. Neither the caseworker nor my son showed up.

On that Tuesday, April 7, there was a hearing; afterwards, we all had another meeting. The caseworker said she’d bring my son by the house for a “visit”. They were here ten minutes. My son gathered some clothing, and his cell phone, and the caseworker handed me some paperwork. My son, you see, had to get to work on time. I guess that his work schedule trumps seeing me. The caseworker said she’d be in touch regarding another visit.

I was told there would be no visitation on Easter, or for church on Maundy Thursday or Good Friday. Caseworkers don’t do weekends, and I have to presume that this one in particular is the ONLY one who can “supervise” visitation. I have to be supervised, you see, because I’ve been accused of “blaming” him – for his own, out-of-control behavior. What is the world coming to, when a kid is held accountable for his own choices? Mercy.

By Friday, there was still no communication from the caseworker; I called her office that morning, only to discover that the entire place had shut down for Good Friday. So I heard nothing for three more days.

On Monday, April 13, I reached her supervisor – after one call at 8:00 a.m., whereby I learned their office doesn’t open until 9:00; after NINE more calls, reaching various voicemails, including the caseworker who had taken that day off as well, I spoke to the supervisor.

The caseworker STILL did not call me until Wednesday, the 15th, only to discover that she could not schedule a visit because she still didn’t have my son’s work schedule. Work trumps Mom, remember?

She called back the next day. She wanted to arrange a visit for NEXT Thursday. When that time arrives, it will be three weeks since my son left, and two-and-a-half weeks since I’ve seen him.

Can you see how important “family” is to these people?

Of course, I was also told that my son didn’t want more frequent visits – so he gets to call the shots? Isn’t that something we’re cautioned against in a divorce action, letting a kid make the decisions?

But wait, there’s more – you knew it, right?

My son was expelled from school the end of January; we were told he could attend an alternative school, but not the regular one, so we gave him a choice: alternative, or GED and a job. He got the job. Within a week or so he had permission from the state to take the GED. He had excuse upon excuse to not get the rest of the paperwork and sign up for the test, and he’s too big for me to drag him.

When he left detention, the judge ordered him to either attend school to or get his GED. The day after his release, I took him to pick up the last needed form; within just over a week, he was back in custody. He’s been in custody for two weeks now – no one has done a single thing about his education.

He’d asked me, after he got home, to make a doctor’s appointment for him for a couple of things; that hasn’t been done. He’s due for a dental visit; again, the state has not taken him. He was court ordered to undergo family therapy, and it was agreed that he would also seek individual therapy. This has not been done. In two weeks.

Apparently all my son has done is go to work and, pardon me, screw off. Naw, I don’t know that for sure, ‘cause it’s considered too dangerous for me to know his work schedule – not that I couldn’t get it from his boss, heck, I could even go up to his job and see him. I’m just trying to play by the state’s rules.

So at the next hearing, surely the judge will ask what progress there has been. I wonder what the state will say? I know what I’ll say. And I know pretty much what our attorney will say as well.

Lest I forget to add, my son is still on probation. He blew off his PO, wasn’t where he was supposed to be when she came to see him. The shelter says they’re checking up on him, but apparently they’re dropping the ball a bit – ‘cause he’s so pleasant and helpful, they trust him. They shouldn’t. Really. Been there, done that.

Here’s the problem: the state believes whatever my son told them; they have zero experience with his lies and manipulation. They think he’s in danger in our home. Unfortunately, they’re basing this on the fact that he didn’t come under the court’s radar until long after he began exhibiting problems. Why? Because the things he did, individually, weren’t considered “serious” and, frankly, there was no room at the inn – those spots are reserved for actual crimes.

Never mind that he frightened us, or was violent, or physical, or verbally and emotionally abusive; forget about the property damage, and all the lies over the years and yes, theft and other run-ins with the law. And the status offenses, refusal to eat or drink for days, more lies and slander of his family.

The state lumps him in with “innocent children”. He is not one of them.

He started texting me the day after the hearing. He wanted me to bring him something. I said no. This is his pattern. We took away his computer, temporarily, and he sabotaged mine, nearly starting a fire; he finally admitted it, and said it was because we’d taken his. He went ballistic that night he was taken from home, after we’d said “no, you can’t spend the night with a friend.” He called me from detention and wanted me to pick him up, in the middle of the night, and I said “no”. The next day, the state decided he needed protection.

These are not coincidences. When he’s told no, he loses control.

He has texted me, on and off, the last couple weeks. Usually just one word: hey, hi, morning, sup, etc. Last night I called him, because a text exchange indicated he might be amenable. He was highly agitated for the entire conversation. He sounded hoarse, frantic,

He accused me of needing “meds”, of having illegal meds, of being psycho. This is no secret, it’s on his Facebook page. He didn’t answer when I asked if he wanted to come home. He did say that, over and over, it was MY fault that he had spent three weeks in detention; nothing, of course, about all the behaviors that he engaged in that finally resulted in that detention, and nothing at all about his probation violations since.

He said it would be no big deal if his dad had to go to jail, because he himself had spent those weeks in detention. And he said he wanted an apology from me, for sending him to detention.

It’s all about him. And he takes no responsibility. None. Not once did he mention being afraid of us. It was all about his power to affect the family and how things were going his way. Of course they are. He’s not here, he has fewer rules, and no one is taking care of him or checking up on him. I guess they can only do that during “business hours”.

At last – there really is competence in the state system! Oh, there have been a few others along the way, but mostly it’s been like pulling teeth to find both information and clarity.

Gosh, can you tell I’m a little calmer today? And there is one reason for this: hope. Well, okay, that and I’m worn out from all the stress and drama yesterday. And last week. And…well, you get the idea.

As per my son’s release from detention last month, we were asked to attend family therapy sessions. Our first one was last evening, but only my husband and I were present. The therapist wanted some background information, and to outline future sessions, discuss our son, and so forth. Pretty standard.

I think the therapist really got to the point – our son acts up, and has been doing so for many years, and we react; of course, it doesn’t seem to matter HOW we react, if that reaction includes the word “no” there are problems. Casual, strict, explanation, short answer – we never know if something will set him off. But “no” almost guarantees it. And, of course, even when he appears to handle that “no”, it usually means he’ll come back later or the next day with the same question.

Sigh.

So what to do? Well, it turns out that there are OPTIONS. I did not know this. Well, of course I knew that the place he’s in right now had different programs, but I wasn’t sure if he qualified for those; I had heard of a couple others, but my brain has been whirling in circles for so long now that I wasn’t able to compute all the ramifications.

Then the therapist said: there is no reality. I blinked. My mind went blank. I thought, what did she just say? No reality? THERE is the explanation! I was pretty sure I was living in the Twilight Zone already – now I knew. No reality.

Then I started to laugh. I mean, seriously, this explained SO MUCH. This is the reason why my son can’t follow the rules the home, why he seems to hate me so much, why he lies and appears to believe those lies – that is his reality. My reality is confusion and bafflement and being unable to understand his reality – which, to me, is just not real. Hence the confusion, if you know what I mean.

See, my son doesn’t want to come home; so he says, and even though I have a hard time believing most of what he does say, this is something I probably have to accept. Even though the goal of all of this current mess is “family reunification”, I’m not sure how the goals change when the kid would rather be gone. Then again, maybe he would NOT rather be away from home – he certainly referred to military school as we having “shipped him off”, but he does like drama; this way, he can claim we “got rid” of him, or that we don’t want him.

Truthfully, we told the therapist that we were ambivalent about his returning home – we want him to behave, and he doesn’t want to. The stress and strain of him living at home is just absolutely killing us all – but we certainly don’t want to “get rid” of him. We just want him to follow the rules, grow up, be happy and healthy and a productive member of society. I think, if he is home and behaves himself, he can easily do these things. However, if he remains insistent on not behaving and on staying away from us, it will be much harder for him to accomplish this.

I’m his mother. I could have “gotten rid” of him at the very beginning; I did not. I’m not going to advocate doing that now, or ever. I haven’t given up, although before last night’s session I was very, very close. I was looking up how to go about, and the ramifications of, signing over my rights as a parent. This is how bad things are, how desperate they’ve become.

And in case you’re wondering, I did talk to the caseworker supervisor yesterday. While I did chew her out and I was certainly highly agitated, I did apologize and I did receive a bit more information; and now I’m on “the list” so the folks at the shelter can indeed answer my questions.

However, I still have not heard from the caseworker herself; I haven’t seen my son for a week although, as I did mention earlier, I don’t think that matters to him.

That’s his reality, not mine.