A month or so ago I wrote a couple of blogs on reality and perception – in fact, I used a reference made by a respected family therapist and expanded upon that, with her permission, to delve deeper into the dynamics of relationships.

Today I came across a quote from a friend of mine and, again with permission, am borrowing this and taking a look at how it can be applicable to my own situation – and others, as well.

Please do take a moment, soon, to click on her name and view some of her work – it’s fascinating stuff, cuts to the heart of the matter, and very on-target.

“Your perception is your reality until your knowledge is changed. Once that is changed, your perception changes to fit that added knowledge. If your knowledge doesn’t change, your perception remains unchanged. What is your perception? What is your knowledge?”
Rella Ingram, Helium

So, back to blogging. Now, let’s take a look at this quote – perception is reality; I think we can agree that this is true. If one is perceives that something is a certain way, then it surely is – for that individual. All they say and do is based on that perception, ergo, that reality.

For example, if a driver cuts me off in traffic, I may perceive that he’s a complete jerk; my reality is that he is not a nice person, or maybe that he’s just a horrible driver. However, that may not be true, or “reality”. This person could be a wonderful example of humanity, he may even be a professional driver – perhaps he’s ill, or rushing someone to the hospital. There may be any number of reasons for him to cut me off, but the fact remains that IN MY PERCEPTION, he’s a jerk, therefore he’s also a jerk in MY REALITY.

Now, suppose that I, too, am on my way to the hospital but probably not in such a big hurry as he. As I step out of the car, I see this “jerk” helping a staggering woman who is gasping for air; he’s trying to get her inside the ER and nurses and orderlies are flocking outside to help. I now have additional KNOWLEDGE and, most likely, my perception has changed. If I hadn’t witnessed the driver’s act, I would have no new knowledge, and would likely continue thinking he was a jerk.

But what if I persisted in thinking that anyway? What does that mean? Is it evidence of a disorder, or simple stubbornness? Many people acquire knowledge but refuse to change their opinions of one thing or another – witness a racist, who knows darn good and well that the facts show that one race is not superior over another, but continues to believe that a particular race is inferior to his own. That would likely be mere obstinacy.

However, when it comes to facts, it’s pretty hard to argue. My son insisted that I hadn’t taken him to the dentist in three years; one phone call to confirm his appointment and checkup last August, and his response was, “well, I must have forgotten.” No argument, true – but seriously? This is one of his “escape routes” – he conveniently “forgets”.

He missed a family therapy appointment, even though I had reminded him the night before. He told his foster parents that there was no session scheduled, but told the therapist he “forgot”. He claimed he hadn’t been reminded, but had no answer for the lie he told. His reality, in this case, has no basis in fact.

He stated that the reason for the first police call to our house was that he had cleaned up his room – but left one sock lying on the floor. Anyone ever heard of a parent who called the police over something like this?? Mommie Dearest, perhaps? The police report, however, will show something very, very different – not only my words, but his too. I’m quite sure he will claim another memory lapse.

The problem, of course, is that in some situations there are no written or documented facts, no witnesses; some things that have happened are merely products of my son’s imagination…or whatever term is more appropriate. He has often claimed things about himself that pertain to my life, such as things relating to a younger sibling, or a beating that was inflicted on me – but never on him.

He feeds on drama – which is as good an excuse as any to manipulate the truth. He also is partial to victimhood. True victims, however, are lost and unable to cope with their situations – he takes control and attempts to maneuver the facts, and the people involved, to reach his desired outcome.

So my son’s knowledge has been changed, many times, yet he continues to resist changing his perception to fit the facts. Is this a symptom, or is this his reality? Either one, whatever is to be done?

My son mentioned this in our online chat last night. I should probably clarify by starting at the beginning:

Apparently, his caseworker told him that I “knew” he’d been online until all hours, and exactly what he’d searched for, as well as the contents of his emails. So he changed his passwords. Now no one can monitor his Internet use, since it seems his foster parents have zero restrictions on the computer.

And it’s awfully nice to know that the state sanctions the viewing and transmission of pornography. You know, even though it’s against the law and all.

At any rate, he said he wanted a visit – at a restaurant. Fun. Then he asked what information I had obtained on his Internet usage. I told him I might, or might not, have anything incriminating, and that he’d just have to wait until the trial on July 7th. He said he “didn’t do anything wrong”, so therefore I must have nothing.

After our brief messaging session, he called me and asked, again, what I had “on him”. I responded with the same line: he’d have to wait to find out; I also mentioned that, since he said he’d done nothing wrong that he must not have to worry about it. After a few choice words, he told me not to bother to come to the meeting on Friday.

Fast forward to last night. He asked if I was coming on Friday, and I said yes. He said I’d told him I wasn’t – conveniently forgetting that HE had told me not to come. Sigh.

He wanted to know if he was in trouble.

He wanted to know what I “had” on him.

Again. I told him that since he claimed not to have done anything wrong, he shouldn’t be so worried. Again.

He asked about the potential trial outcome, and accused me of trying to get rid of him. In spite of the fact that he’s said, several times, that he wants to remain in foster care.

I told him, again, my “bottom line”: that he recant, apologize, and abide by our rules.

He said he would apologize. To me and to his dad. For what had happened.

I was rather flabbergasted. I thought that surely all the stress and strain would finally be worth it, that my son had finally developed a conscience, that he really did care about us and loved us, and that he could come home.

It didn’t last. The conversation quite deteriorated from this point.

His belief, quite erroneous, is that he was removed from our home because he and I argue a lot and that we don’t get along.

In fact, he was removed from our home because, over the past couple of years, he has refused to do schoolwork, refused to follow our simple rules, refused to obey the law, refused to accept help. He was removed by his own actions, his seeming inability to tell the truth, to distinguish truth from fiction, property damage, and violence.

I told him that was the wrong answer to my question of why would he apologize, and for what…. He said it couldn’t be wrong, because it was an apology. Um, no – he told me he WOULD apologize, but he didn’t actually do it.

Then, without further ado, he went right back to his theme of “so, what do you have on me?”

“Tell me.”

“Enlighten me.”

“I’m curious.”

My every response was “no, you’ll have to wait.”

So we’re stuck, again. He has not changed, he was only saying he’d apologize in order to get me to admit to having evidence; and his apology was apparently not going to include any admission of his own horrible behavior and his guilt.

I really do think this is the last hope I had. It’s the closest he’s come to at least acting like a normal, loving, caring individual. I don’t know what else is left.